DECATUR - When Orion McCoy's parents saw him smack the family dog, they didn't waste their breath telling him to stop.

If the 2-year-old didn't obey two requests to be nice to Shira, their Rottweiler-German shepherd mix, either Rick McCoy or Becki Williamson would go up to the toddler without speaking and put him in his play pen for two minutes.

"It wasn't long before he stopped hitting the dog," Williamson said.

Such was one of several success stories related during a workshop at Millikin University called "You Can't Make Me: Using 'Choice Language' with the Difficult Child" and led by Tim Shea, a licensed clinical social worker with a private practice in Urbana.

The session was one of two held recently to kick off the Department of Behavioral Science's new continuing education program for helping professionals. Workshops are to be offered twice per semester under the program.

Williamson, a senior majoring in experimental psychology and human services, was among nearly 50 students and community agency representatives in attendance last month.

Shea said adults should avoid getting into a power struggle by thinking they can make children do something, or in the case of Orion, stop doing something.

"I can't make my 13-year-old son go to his room," Shea said. "I can't pick him up and carry him there because he weighs almost as much as I do."

Instead, Shea said parents, teachers and other adult authority figures should calmly present children with choices to help instill a willingness to be held accountable for their actions. This robs irresponsible behavior of its excitement and keeps the responsibility where it belongs - on the child.

"Lasting change will come only on focusing on the thinking behind the behavior, not the behavior itself," he said.

Maladaptive thinking patterns identified by Cognition Works Inc. and listed by Shea include blaming others, an unwillingness to be self-critical, a sense of entitlement and inappropriate expectations.

Language to avoid, therefore, includes such phrases as "you must," "be quiet," "you cannot talk that way to me," "chores must be finished on time," and "leave him (or her) alone."

Instead, say things like "let me make your choices clear," "you have chosen to miss one hour of TV tonight," and "you are choosing not to cooperate. The consequences of that choice are -."

Here is an example:

"You may choose to continue to talk loudly and interrupt the class, in which case you will be choosing to go to re-focus and miss today's work, or you may choose to quiet down and cooperate."

Shea said it's also important to pick a consequence that is proportionate to the undesired behavior and one that is important to the child. He added that if the child refuses to submit to a negative consequence, then choose one even more vital to the child.

Kay White, associate professor of social work, said it's also important to let children experience the natural consequences of poor choices.

She allowed her son join a compact disc club and fall behind on paying for them, for example, so he would learn from the experience.

Other session participants also gave examples.

Teri Boyd, child care counselor at Webster-Cantrell Hall, explained how students there earn points for good behavior that determine levels for privileges at the end of the week.

Magon Hallowell, a Millikin junior majoring in human services, said children participating in a summer YMCA program at Rochester Elementary School must finish their lunch within a specified period of time or they must stay and help clean the tables before going to play in the gymnasium.

Eula Rowe, supervisor of family habilitation, visitation and transportation at Youth Advocate, said when her daughters didn't wash the dishes before going to bed, waking them up to do the chore got the job done.

Shea said choice language is empowering.

"So many children, and so many adults for that matter, don't see the power they have over their lives and how they can choose to change," he said.

Theresa Churchill can be reached at tchurchill@herald-review.com or 421-7978.

If You Go

What: Millikin University's continuing education program for helping professionals

When: Next workshop is Monday, Nov. 13

Where: Multi-purpose room of Richards Treat University Center, 1184 W. Main St.

Morning session: "Using Personality Types in Organizations and Clinical Practice" by Diane Zosky, assistant professor at Illinois State University's School of Social Work, 9 a.m. to noon

Afternoon session: "Self-Care For Helping Professionals" by Dennis Crowell, director of admissions and recruitment at Illinois State University's School of Social Work, 1 to 4 p.m.

Registration: $60 with a $10 per-participant discount for four or more from the same agency, $40 for a Millikin alumnus, plus $5 if six hours of continuing education credit are desired

Contact: rives@millikin.edu or 424-6275.